Monday, January 16, 2006

It's time to FIGHT BACK

I just can't keep my mouth shut and let her prosecute me with no reason

I am not gonna admit I am wrong when I am not wrong

I am not going to let her bring me down

I will not allow she to succeed hanging cloud over me

She can try to make me feel hard, but she won't succeed

There is light in my heart and darkness will soon fade

She need to pay back on what she's done

I am gonna fight back and let her know my power

And now I have the faith, will and goal to fight with her, she's gonna fall

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Lost

I am Lost, haven't been that LOST for long long time.

Lost of Direction

Lost of Confident

Lost of Motivation

Lost of Initiative

Lost of Hope

Lost of Energy

Lost of Laugh

Lost of Morale

Lost of Patience

Lost of Efficiency

Lost of Spirit

It's just so LOST...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

My decision

After thinking for several days, I decide to split up with my girlfriend, I realise that I don't love her anymore, no more sparkle between us, no happiness, it's becoming to a stage that I start to hate her so much, I don't even wanna talk with her, listen to her voice, don't even wanna think of her.

Maybe I am just not good enough or she's not as good as the ex, I don't know, seem everything is just not compatible, we don't really understand each other, we never have time to understand each other, maybe it's just a mistake to start our relationship. Maybe I was just too desperated to break up with my ex, so I chose her to be my new girlfriend.

No common interest, no common goal, nothing in common, we are just so different, I go my own way and so does she, we never sit down to have a good talk, we never show our feeling to each other. Maybe both of us are just too demanding, yes, demanding, so demanding that we can't tolerate each other anymore. We started to fight with each other everyday, shouting to each each, trying to get rid of each other. I don't know, maybe both of us truly believe that we still have a lot of chances, we don't need to attach to each other, to rely on each other at this stage.

No more trust, no more respect. I am heart broken, no more feeling. I don't wanna fight, I don't wanna talk, even though she knew that I wanna split up and I promised I won't leave her, I decide to split up with her soon. I don't know.

We did have some very good time with each other, I don't wanna split up but I must, I am selfish, I am not a good guy, I know that, but... who knows what will happen.

I am OK, perfectly fine, so calm and peaceful, no consultation is needed, haha. Once I made up my mind, I know my next step. No regret.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

These days...................

These days, I do discover that my work occupies most of my life / time, I talk about my work all the time. I do find that's very unhealthy, but sometimes, I just can't control myself from thinking and talking about my work.

Last Monday, probably it's the first night in these 2 months I didn't talk about my job when I went out with my friends (except that news, ok?). I found it was pretty good that I didn't mention anything from my work and I did feel very happy and comfortable about that. Yes, my friends are right, work is work, it's not my life. So, next time when I start talking about my work when you see me, tell me to shut up unless I state that's a business night or my trouble sharing night, haha.

Yep, life is never easy but the most important is to enjoy life. No to be bonded by work, what we need is the pay check from work, not the trouble.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Expected Salary

It's a "dream" about a group of youngsters aged around 16, finished their F.3 or F.5 study with no job offer, not qualify to continue their study, no working experience.

I was appointed to give a class for the Growth Development course on workplace English. 12 pairs of innocent eyes looking at me, wondering who's the guy standing in front of them, teaching them all kind of business letters, making jokes occasionally, sharing my working experience with them. A stranger just intruded into their class, without a proper self introduction, I started teaching.

Everything went well, from their eyes, I saw the desire of studying, I saw 12 innocent souls sitting in front of me, eagering for an office job. I felt sorry to them, deep inside my heart and my mind, I knew they wouldn't have a smooth and direct path on their career and their life. So hard. When they asked me how's the office life, and when I listened to their expectation, I felt and knew they were not ready to get into the real world yet, I just can't imagineto ask a kid to go to war, to fight, to kill, to stab, a sour feeling came up. I just wanna say, "Kids, go back and study hard, the world will never be the one you expected". Even though I knew their chance of gettinga good job was so low, I did try my best to help them to equip themselves, of course, I taught them to lie whenever "applicable".

It came to the part of teaching them to write the resume, I was suprised / shocked, besides the personal details, most of them had nothing to write down on the resume, some of them even forgot the name of their school, how come? It's their Alma Mater, you will never the place where you spent your best time in life. Came to the qualification, most of them scored ZERO in their HKCEE, or never taken the public exam, I can now see in their eyes, there were hopeless and helpness. Of course I did try my best to help them to make up something, of course not on the qualification, at least help them to make up something in their "extracurricular activities" and "social services", it made me feel better.

When came to the EXPECTED salary, I have never never expected they wrote down HKD 4,000 per month (or HKD 48,000 p.a.) as the expected salary, I didn't believe my eyes, I asked again, "it's 4000, right?". I felt ashamed, when I looked at the shoes, the jeans, the jacket I was wearing that day, how many months do they need to work in order to buy all the stuff on my body. My heart sinked, I was speechless for a while, I held my tears, looking at their resume again, how cruel? They shouldn't be here, they should be at school studying, playing, laughing, gossiping, doing all kind of things that teenagers do. 4000, what can they do with that money? Are they going to work for that 4000 in their whole life? Are they destined to be like that? I didn't know what to say, I tried my best to help them to get prepared, to be ready.

At last, they said they were happy I came to teach and share the experience with them, they said the business letters I taught were useful. No matter what happen next, I can see dreams, goals in their eyes, in their voice, I felt 12 thankful innocent hearts. People live with dreams, if someone doesn't dream anymore, his soul is shrinking, drowning. Dreams give us power, energy to fight for what we want, I truly wish the 12 innocent souls can get what they want, to have happy lives, keep dreaming and fight for their future.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Rules and Regulations

Probably I was living in a "free" world, with a lot of autonomy, even though there were a lot of people I didn't like, I still had a lot of autonomy on my work. Strange, right?

These days, I keep on thinking about my old job, even those there were/are still a lot of shit people, I could still do whatever I want. Not to be bothered in some ways. Now, I am like a marionette, being controlled. I know there are always rules and regulations, but can I be exempted? I know that's not possible, but at least, don't bother me with those small buz. I am tired of it.

Eating, drinking, chattering, blah blah blah are prohibited. Am I working/living in prison? Am I working in the fashion industry? I am thinking, maybe, I am working in the police force or those so called "Disciplinary" units. Shame, I am definitely not suitable to work in the environment like that. Shame.

Probably, it's time for me to learn to accept the reality, they pay, and so I do whatever to fulfill their requirement. ROBOT...